Random Facebook Messages

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.

2 in 1 people are siamese.

At my last job interview, I told my interviewer that I plan to give 110%.Unfortunately; I was applying to be a statistician.

Let’s take a moment to remember all those less fortunate than ourselves who are currently pissing around on Facebook.

I always refuse to cut corners.Which is why I lost my job in carpentry

What goes 0-60 in a minute?A clock.

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe that 2.30am?Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.And I plan on sticking to it.

I had a spider on my keyboard.I have it under Ctrl.

I really admire people who keep going even though the are in huge amounts of debt. They deserve a lot of credit

My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Knock Knock."Come in.""Oh thanks for ruining the joke."

I can’t take it anymore.The local shop has installed CCTV.

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

I’m looking forward to getting a KFC and ice cream tomorrow.Some things are worth the weight.

Procrastinators! The leaders of tomorrow.

I wonder if the people of Alaska update their facebook status every time it snows.

I’ve decided not to be pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway

What you seize is what you get.

‘With great power, comes a great electric bill.’

I invented gloves. Okay, I’m lying but I did have a hand in it.

I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

Nothing more says you are a facebook stalker than updating your status with a girls name when you meant to put it in the search box

I must admit I’ve got a thing for fat women.It’s called a gastric band.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential. Then he pushed me off a roof.

Written on top of a cubical wall:If you can aim this high you should be in the fire brigade

I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday.At least, I think it was five minutes.

Did they ever find out who let the dogs out?

I’m setting up a search engine called Askyourdad.com you type your query in and its sends you straight to Askyourmum.com.

If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn’t that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?

My sister has been engaged to a footballer for over ten years.Come on Diego, marry Donna.

I know the secret to eternal life. But if I told you , then I’d have to kill you.

If it’s your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine’s Day.

Scientists claim that coffee is more addictive than Heroin….Bollocks….I’m not addicted to coffee and I drink it all the time.

The Internet is such a boring place… …when there are other people in the room.

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.You know, to make it more classy.

My sister wanted to know if it would be fine to give her baby a two-letter name. I told her to go for It.

I never let my children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

I see that students are planning another protest against tuitions fees.When will they ever learn?

i love bookmarks. They’re my favourites.