If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we’d find them in about 15 minutes.
I hit the control key but I’m still not in control.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
In the restaurant window: “Eat now – Pay waiter.”
It’s time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.
Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.
Some things are better left unsaid … like those times you criticize me.
A surprise party is a great way to show your girlfriend how awesome you are at lying to her face.
Don’t listen to their foolishness. Listen to mine!
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be a consultant.
Having nothing to say has never stopped most people from saying it.
You can’t make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Steve Jobs’ text was meant to say: “I reign as CEO of Apple” autocorrect gone bad strikes again!
While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.
There’s no known cure for an infectious smile.
The great work must go forward. As soon as we all find somebody else to do it.
I’m trying to keep up with the changes but the changes are winning.
My short term memory loss is growing longer.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put dishes in it.
Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t know the first thing about women or fractions.
I hate to see food go to waist.
People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.
I’m willing to put in longer hours at work. As long as they’re lunch hours.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be “bad at following directions”.
The awkward moment when someone tells you how much they hate someone, and then the next day they’re best friends.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
Whoever said “nothing is impossible” has obviously never seen me doing nothing.
I haven’t been to work in four days. I’ve almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.
Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time. So, sometimes I cook something.
My gas tank goes from zero to $30.00 in under a minute.
If you get lost, remember, you can always find up by looking directly at the sun.
I bought a pair of running shoes today. I hope they come back.
Thank goodness pets can’t talk, they all know too much.
Facebook – Where people go from SINGLE to IN A RELATIONSHIP to MARRIED to IT’S COMPLICATED then SINGLE in one day.
I always say; if you can’t say anything nice, we have a lot in common.
The Internet is the world’s greatest source of things you don’t really need.
I think my smart phone is broken…. I pressed my home button but I’m still at work.
Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone?
I hit the control key but I’m still not in control.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
In the restaurant window: “Eat now – Pay waiter.”
It’s time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.
Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.
Some things are better left unsaid … like those times you criticize me.
A surprise party is a great way to show your girlfriend how awesome you are at lying to her face.
Don’t listen to their foolishness. Listen to mine!
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be a consultant.
Having nothing to say has never stopped most people from saying it.
You can’t make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Steve Jobs’ text was meant to say: “I reign as CEO of Apple” autocorrect gone bad strikes again!
While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.
There’s no known cure for an infectious smile.
The great work must go forward. As soon as we all find somebody else to do it.
I’m trying to keep up with the changes but the changes are winning.
My short term memory loss is growing longer.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put dishes in it.
Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t know the first thing about women or fractions.
I hate to see food go to waist.
People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.
I’m willing to put in longer hours at work. As long as they’re lunch hours.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be “bad at following directions”.
The awkward moment when someone tells you how much they hate someone, and then the next day they’re best friends.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
Whoever said “nothing is impossible” has obviously never seen me doing nothing.
I haven’t been to work in four days. I’ve almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.
Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time. So, sometimes I cook something.
My gas tank goes from zero to $30.00 in under a minute.
If you get lost, remember, you can always find up by looking directly at the sun.
I bought a pair of running shoes today. I hope they come back.
Thank goodness pets can’t talk, they all know too much.
Facebook – Where people go from SINGLE to IN A RELATIONSHIP to MARRIED to IT’S COMPLICATED then SINGLE in one day.
I always say; if you can’t say anything nice, we have a lot in common.
The Internet is the world’s greatest source of things you don’t really need.
I think my smart phone is broken…. I pressed my home button but I’m still at work.
Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone?
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