Funny Facebook Status Messages

“So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.”

“Insert coin to view my status message.”

"Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't."

"..says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.”

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."

"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

"Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google."

“Fat kids are harder to kidnap”

“Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.”

“Does Lady Gaga dress up as a normal person on Halloween?”

“I am gonna be naked, and that's my Halloween costume.”

“If men fall sleep so quick after sex, why is it so hard to catch rapists”

“..wants to be buried at sea... so if you wanna dance on my grave, be my guest!”

“you know what I find really funny?............. jokes.”

“I sometimes fall asleep while...”

“like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!!”

“Tried comforting my buddy that was waiting on the results of his HIV test. I guess "think positive" wasn't what he wanted to hear.”

“That is not my picture on the wall! I got framed.”

“If I was a superhero I would choose the ability to see through glass”

“lost my cellphone if you find it .....call me”

“I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?”

“Not every flower can say love, a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, a cactus did. Not every retard can read, but look at you go!”

“Today I told my car it's ok to tell me it's a Transformer. It did'nt answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment....”

“I'm so cool I embarass winter”

“My gf died in my arms. Actually I was holding her under the water.”

“When you sponsor a dog, The dog will write back to you... How??”