Funny Status Messages....

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I hate when I miss a call by a few seconds, call the person back and they don`t answer.


You can rely on me. I’ve been married. I’m trained to follow orders.


The reason worry kills more people than work is because more people worry than work.


On a walk, my son saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Blackberry.


I hate change. I didn’t used to. But I’ve changed.


Indecision may or may not be my problem.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re not in enough hot water.


You don’t poke me as often as you used to.


Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.


“I knew you’d be back.” -The Drawing Board


I don’t know why I should learn Algebra. I’m never likely to go there.


My dentist just won Dentist of the Year. All he got was a little plaque.


Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you’re wrong, admit it, and, when you’re right, shut up.


My healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.


When you don’t know where you’re going, every road will take you there.


Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.


Hard work never hurt anybody. But I’m hoping the boss will be first.


Me and my bestfriend can communicate just with face expressions.


I know the exact day I gave up exercise. It’s on my birth certificate.


Google must be a woman, it knows everything.


People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.


Battery low please charge! 1% █ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅]


Take your troubles like a man. Blame them on your wife.


I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.


Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.


Getting overwhelmed with the amount of things to do and ending up not doing anything at all.


The nice thing about being single is I’m always there when I need me.


I get a lot of mental exercise by thinking up exotic ways to avoid physical exercise.


No, I dont have bad handwriting. I have my own font.


“Always remember me.” – Anonymous.

Funny Facebook Status Messages....

If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we’d find them in about 15 minutes.


I hit the control key but I’m still not in control.


I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.


In the restaurant window: “Eat now – Pay waiter.”


It’s time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.


Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.


Some things are better left unsaid … like those times you criticize me.


A surprise party is a great way to show your girlfriend how awesome you are at lying to her face.


Don’t listen to their foolishness. Listen to mine!


If you’re not part of the solution, you must be a consultant.


Having nothing to say has never stopped most people from saying it. 


You can’t make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.


Drive defensively. Buy a tank.


Steve Jobs’ text was meant to say: “I reign as CEO of Apple” autocorrect gone bad strikes again!


While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement.


If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.


The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.


There’s no known cure for an infectious smile.


The great work must go forward. As soon as we all find somebody else to do it.


I’m trying to keep up with the changes but the changes are winning.


My short term memory loss is growing longer.


It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.


I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.


The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put dishes in it.


Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t know the first thing about women or fractions.


I hate to see food go to waist.


People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.


I’m willing to put in longer hours at work. As long as they’re lunch hours.


If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be “bad at following directions”. 


The awkward moment when someone tells you how much they hate someone, and then the next day they’re best friends.


I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.


Whoever said “nothing is impossible” has obviously never seen me doing nothing.


I haven’t been to work in four days. I’ve almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.


Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time. So, sometimes I cook something.


My gas tank goes from zero to $30.00 in under a minute.


If you get lost, remember, you can always find up by looking directly at the sun.


I bought a pair of running shoes today. I hope they come back.


Thank goodness pets can’t talk, they all know too much.


Facebook – Where people go from SINGLE to IN A RELATIONSHIP to MARRIED to IT’S COMPLICATED then SINGLE in one day.


I always say; if you can’t say anything nice, we have a lot in common.


The Internet is the world’s greatest source of things you don’t really need.


I think my smart phone is broken…. I pressed my home button but I’m still at work. 


Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone?

Funny Facebook Status Messages

“So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.”

“Insert coin to view my status message.”

"Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't."

"..says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.”

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."

"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

"Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google."

“Fat kids are harder to kidnap”

“Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.”

“Does Lady Gaga dress up as a normal person on Halloween?”

“I am gonna be naked, and that's my Halloween costume.”

“If men fall sleep so quick after sex, why is it so hard to catch rapists”

“..wants to be buried at sea... so if you wanna dance on my grave, be my guest!”

“you know what I find really funny?............. jokes.”

“I sometimes fall asleep while...”

“like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!!”

“Tried comforting my buddy that was waiting on the results of his HIV test. I guess "think positive" wasn't what he wanted to hear.”

“That is not my picture on the wall! I got framed.”

“If I was a superhero I would choose the ability to see through glass”

“lost my cellphone if you find it .....call me”

“I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?”

“Not every flower can say love, a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, a cactus did. Not every retard can read, but look at you go!”

“Today I told my car it's ok to tell me it's a Transformer. It did'nt answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment....”

“I'm so cool I embarass winter”

“My gf died in my arms. Actually I was holding her under the water.”

“When you sponsor a dog, The dog will write back to you... How??”

Funny Facebook Status Messages

Modern Marriage!!!

Priest to Guy: Do u agree to change your FACEBOOK status to married?
Guy: Yes I do.

...Priest to Girl: Do u agree to change your FACEBOOK status to married?
...Girl: Yes I do.

Priest: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may “ POKE ” each other. 






One spelling mistake can destroy your life. A Husband sent this to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her."

My Internet suddenly stopped working.. then I realized our neighbors didn't pay the bill.. How irresponsible :D

Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl+C & Ctrl+V

Whenever I have a problem, i just sing. Then I realize that my voice is WORSE than my problem...

The best part about standing near an elephant is ~ you never feel FAT !!

Shortest fairly tale-->once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will u marry me?" The girl said "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after.

Life was much easier when Apple & Blackberry were just fruits!

Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply by 5. Divide by 2. Close your eyes... Dark isn't it?

The best medicine to remove skin aging and face marks is the ADOBE PHOTOSHOP !!

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

I have been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is two weeks.

When a Man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one thing: Either the Car is New or the Wife.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't worry, I don't eat paper."

If you fall once, get up. If you fall twice, get up. If you fall for the third time, tie your shoelaces!!

Biggest lie ever : I have read and agreed to the terms of use .

Q: Why should we believe in GOD? A: Because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by GOOGLE.

Physics would have been much easier if 'Tree' instead of 'Apple' had fallen on Newton's head :))

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

Dear Microsoft word, please understand - my name is NOT a spelling mistake!